im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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