sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
