well I can't set my house on fire every night
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
