That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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