Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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