If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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