Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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