I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
