You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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