my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
