i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
