I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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