Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
