doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
