i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
