smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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