just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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