You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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