so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
