what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
