I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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