He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
