Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
