don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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