sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
