cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
