he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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