I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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