i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
