i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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