I wish my penis had an off switch
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
