i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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