sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
