My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
