I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
