cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
