are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
