Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
