This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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