Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
