apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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