i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
