"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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