I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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