now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
