I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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