Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
