this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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