Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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