I wish life had little blips of pornography
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
