Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
