I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
