life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
another moral hangover. fuck.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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