u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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