Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
