I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
